"I think, therefore I am." -René Descartes

I have dysthymia,

a depressive mood disorder that affects roughly 5% of American adults.  This means that I live with chronic depression and have done so for nearly all of my life.  What life is like on a really bad day for you, is my norm.  The official symptoms, as delineated in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) IV is as follows:

• poor appetite or overeating
• insomnia or hypersomnia
• low energy or fatigue
• low self-esteem
• poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
• feelings of hopelessness

The medication takes care of the physical symptoms.  Namely the irrational an inexplicable origins of low energy, self-esteem, and concentration, the feelings of hopelessness and overeating.  The medication does not undo the secondary effects of the disorder.  Namely, the maladaptive cognitive patterns (methods or cycles of thoughts that will cause me harm or unhappiness) or the abnormal personality that develops from it (isolation, dismissive approach to relationships, lack of closeness and joy from leisurely or social activities).  Most significantly, however, is the fact that the dysthymia has prevented me from learning the social skills that I should have while growing up.  Considering my home and family environment with limited interaction with human beings, it should come as no surprise that I simply don’t know how to do simple things like “be friends” or “show love” or “connect emotionally”.  It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s not that I can and, yet, keep sabotaging myself – I simply just don’t know how.*

These are problems that take time and effective, intense psychotherapy to repair.  Two things to which I do not have ample access.  This means that I must find and apply the solutions myself, until I can condition myself to interact with others on a closer, healthier level (equalizing my needs with theirs, learning how to express emotions and thoughts properly).  There are many dangerous ideas out there through pseudoscience or peoples’ opinions and anecdotes.  People make wide claims, people produce secret remedies, either intentionally out of malice or accidentally out of ignorance.

I can afford the consequences of neither, so I must turn to the dependable producer of truths – science.  I can always depend on science to reassure me that there is hope.  I can always depend on science to produce for me the best known answers to difficult questions.  I can trust science to give me solutions that will almost always work.  Science is my lifeblood.

I spend nearly every spare waking moment I have reading books, articles, and journals.  I absorb whatever I think could be useful.  I cross-check; I double-check; I experiment; I implement.  I must apply psychotherapeutic techniques, and I must recondition my thoughts and behavior.  And slowly, but surely, I see results.  Science is what lets me live.  Science is the hope I have for the better, happier life that I want now that I am free of the physical shackles of dysthymia.

To me, science is life.

* The irony of this situation is that I recognized my social ineptitude early on, and began studying self-improvement books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.  I especially focused on books to help me through work and public speaking; so, in the end, I am able to make speeches or presentations, I am able to network in business, but I can’t seem to manage those little, personal conversations in between – the ones that I care about.  Nothing is more frustrating that being with someone I appreciate and admire and not knowing how to express it, or how to repay the kind feelings their presence offers me.

Have a question? Please, ask me – it’s anonymous: http://www.lunathink.com/ask/

Well, here I am with insomnia. That’s what it takes to get me to write another post. It’s a side effect of my medication and due to a rough week two weeks ago where I took my meds are the wrong times.

A while ago, a reader submitted a question, asking what I thought was the most celebrated aspect of man. I believe that man’s capacity to suspend the logical and perseverance through circumstances of indomitable odds is the most celebrated aspect, for better or for worse.

People have done great deeds by challenging the idea that something is “impossible”, likewise, people have done ridiculous or damaging deeds because they suspended their rationality. As with every psychological tool in the human arsenal, we have a double-edged blade. And, again, like all of our tools, it is completely necessary. Those who consistently succeed in their impossible pursuits are those who have learned to harness their emotions enough to clearly see when suspension of common sense, success, or logic should be indulged.

These people have a strong desire for achievement. They want to be the best at what they do, and they want to be credited with leaving the greatest mark on this planet.

Or, these people have a strong desire for power. They want to be influential; they want others to trust them, to model them. Those with a sense of discipline to tame this ambition will succeed. They channel their lust for power into a river of energy for inspiring others, solidifying a group, and pressing the attack against a common goal. They use refined instinct with an air of calm to leverage past knowledge.

Those without inhibition indulge in their bloodlust, and their ambitions for raw power sabotage their own efforts. They stumble when they must hold the line; they bark and bite when they should inspire and lead; they shout rather than persuade. They use raw, primal, instinct.

The most potent leader has a desire for power that outweighs his desire to be liked by others; but, more importantly, this power is controlled with an equally strong inhibition.

Three blue pills.

The thin wire fence that keeps me from the brink.

Something as simple as three blue pills. Who would think they could rule a life?

My mind is chaos filled fear. I can see doom. I can feel nothing.

My energy is str gone g, and my will is dead fierce.

I can fall go from the grace distance, I cannot slay the demons.

Hope drainsfills frommy soul.

I am not who I want to be.

As long as I have my three blue pills enslave me.

To think that something as simple as three blue pills can determine a life. Imagine only being alive for twelve hours a day. The eye of the mental maelstrom. Each night, transforming into a husk of what you are. Being crushed under the weight of a crashing wave. The world is spinning, and all you can do is sleep… and dream of the next morning… when you can have those

three. blue. pills.

Oh well, a start is a start. And once you start, you’re halfway done.

“Let the future tell the truth and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I really worked, is mine.”
-Nikola Tesla, Electrical and Mechanical Engineer and the inventor of modern day electricity

I was looking out at the Boston skyline, amongst the stone lion maws, and surrounded by the ornate columns and buttresses of MIT’s dome. I thought to myself, “This is all mine.”

The most beautiful aspect of this thought, is that everyone can share it. Everything you see before you… every building, every road, every car, every lamp post, every bridge… from the idea, to the designs, to the physical object itself … they were all created by people who existed before you did. They were all created by people who were experienced than you are. They were all created with the knowledge that the creator would reap the least benefits from his own creation.

He creates for all those that will come after him. These dorms were made for students to live in comfortably, fully. These institute halls were constructed almost a hundred years ago so that you could have the privilege to learn from the brightest minds in the world about some of the most esoteric and magical information that mankind has gathered and organized from the universe.

It is all for you. Anyone can become immortal by leaving their legacy to the next generation. A man who teaches a child is made immortal by that child’s memory. A man who invents a wheel is made immortal by the very existence of the wheel. Everything is made for you because you represent the entirety of our species’s struggle to survive for thousands of years – because you represent the culmination all of the knowledge and application of science, art, and industry – because you are the one whom the world must be passed down to, completely – because everyone trusts you to do the best you can with that responsibility.

Boston Skyline

I am constantly surprised by how short-sighted people can be when they get carried away in the pedantic details of life. In actuality, according to Carl Jung, a typical person does not gain the perspective of generativity – thinking beyond one’s current life and generation to the next generation of children – until middle-age, around 30 years old.

I believe this is an injustice to mankind. We have come to learn so much about psychology and the insurmountable potential of the young that we cannot afford to leave them to wander aimlessly and eventually stumble upon foresight. We should attempt to be more active in encouraging the emotional and mental blossoming of thought and action toward long distance goals and objectives. An expansion of thinking on this part tremendously boosts critical thinking skills, and paves a golden pathway to divergent thinking – a critical aspect of innovation.

So the next time you feel a bit rushed by the speed of every day life, you might want to try taking a breather to recognize that the world as it is today is yours for the taking, and you can grab your slice when you see fit. And that effects of true importance and magnitude lay on a timeline far longer and far deeper than the relative moments that you may be stressing about in the presence. Suddenly, you may find that what was worrying you before, doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore. :)