"I think, therefore I am." -René Descartes

I have dysthymia,

a depressive mood disorder that affects roughly 5% of American adults.  This means that I live with chronic depression and have done so for nearly all of my life.  What life is like on a really bad day for you, is my norm.  The official symptoms, as delineated in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) IV is as follows:

• poor appetite or overeating
• insomnia or hypersomnia
• low energy or fatigue
• low self-esteem
• poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
• feelings of hopelessness

The medication takes care of the physical symptoms.  Namely the irrational an inexplicable origins of low energy, self-esteem, and concentration, the feelings of hopelessness and overeating.  The medication does not undo the secondary effects of the disorder.  Namely, the maladaptive cognitive patterns (methods or cycles of thoughts that will cause me harm or unhappiness) or the abnormal personality that develops from it (isolation, dismissive approach to relationships, lack of closeness and joy from leisurely or social activities).  Most significantly, however, is the fact that the dysthymia has prevented me from learning the social skills that I should have while growing up.  Considering my home and family environment with limited interaction with human beings, it should come as no surprise that I simply don’t know how to do simple things like “be friends” or “show love” or “connect emotionally”.  It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s not that I can and, yet, keep sabotaging myself – I simply just don’t know how.*

These are problems that take time and effective, intense psychotherapy to repair.  Two things to which I do not have ample access.  This means that I must find and apply the solutions myself, until I can condition myself to interact with others on a closer, healthier level (equalizing my needs with theirs, learning how to express emotions and thoughts properly).  There are many dangerous ideas out there through pseudoscience or peoples’ opinions and anecdotes.  People make wide claims, people produce secret remedies, either intentionally out of malice or accidentally out of ignorance.

I can afford the consequences of neither, so I must turn to the dependable producer of truths – science.  I can always depend on science to reassure me that there is hope.  I can always depend on science to produce for me the best known answers to difficult questions.  I can trust science to give me solutions that will almost always work.  Science is my lifeblood.

I spend nearly every spare waking moment I have reading books, articles, and journals.  I absorb whatever I think could be useful.  I cross-check; I double-check; I experiment; I implement.  I must apply psychotherapeutic techniques, and I must recondition my thoughts and behavior.  And slowly, but surely, I see results.  Science is what lets me live.  Science is the hope I have for the better, happier life that I want now that I am free of the physical shackles of dysthymia.

To me, science is life.

* The irony of this situation is that I recognized my social ineptitude early on, and began studying self-improvement books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.  I especially focused on books to help me through work and public speaking; so, in the end, I am able to make speeches or presentations, I am able to network in business, but I can’t seem to manage those little, personal conversations in between – the ones that I care about.  Nothing is more frustrating that being with someone I appreciate and admire and not knowing how to express it, or how to repay the kind feelings their presence offers me.

Have a question? Please, ask me – it’s anonymous: http://www.lunathink.com/ask/

I can see that much progress has been made in myself, now. Today I was able to taste the fruits of my labors. I attended a simple performance at one of the dorms on campus (Next House), and found that many friends I’d made had gathered to come to this event — due to prefrosh, personal interests, parents, families, etc. I was there with some of my newest, and most satisfying, reciprocating friends, and I was surrounded by people I wanted to see and who enjoyed seeing me. It inspired the strangest feeling within me.

I felt like I belonged.

I had given up on that dorm, but I see again the effects of my black-tinted glasses, now made clear with my auto-psychology and medication. And, as time goes on, I find myself becoming more warm towards places like Next House; especially as my previous, tainted emotional imprints are wiped clean and repaired.

Today was an important day. Today was a day that showed me the remarkable obstacles I have overcome and the love and family that can now grow forth from the freshly tilled soil. I feel glad to be alive.

Well, here I am with insomnia. That’s what it takes to get me to write another post. It’s a side effect of my medication and due to a rough week two weeks ago where I took my meds are the wrong times.

A while ago, a reader submitted a question, asking what I thought was the most celebrated aspect of man. I believe that man’s capacity to suspend the logical and perseverance through circumstances of indomitable odds is the most celebrated aspect, for better or for worse.

People have done great deeds by challenging the idea that something is “impossible”, likewise, people have done ridiculous or damaging deeds because they suspended their rationality. As with every psychological tool in the human arsenal, we have a double-edged blade. And, again, like all of our tools, it is completely necessary. Those who consistently succeed in their impossible pursuits are those who have learned to harness their emotions enough to clearly see when suspension of common sense, success, or logic should be indulged.

These people have a strong desire for achievement. They want to be the best at what they do, and they want to be credited with leaving the greatest mark on this planet.

Or, these people have a strong desire for power. They want to be influential; they want others to trust them, to model them. Those with a sense of discipline to tame this ambition will succeed. They channel their lust for power into a river of energy for inspiring others, solidifying a group, and pressing the attack against a common goal. They use refined instinct with an air of calm to leverage past knowledge.

Those without inhibition indulge in their bloodlust, and their ambitions for raw power sabotage their own efforts. They stumble when they must hold the line; they bark and bite when they should inspire and lead; they shout rather than persuade. They use raw, primal, instinct.

The most potent leader has a desire for power that outweighs his desire to be liked by others; but, more importantly, this power is controlled with an equally strong inhibition.