“Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.”

-Aldous Huxley, English writer.

There are six days until Christmas. Two days until I fly back to Maryland. I have not seen my family for nearly seven months, now – a meeting I have been postponing as long as possible. They have been integral to my psychological situation.

I would instinctively say that they are a significant root of my condition, given the way my family exists: each strewn to his own corner of the house – forever to keep to himself or risk stirring the irritable beasts within the others. A house of short-sighted logic, where one’s thoughts were not one’s own, and privacy is a word with superficial meaning. A dynamic of hypocrisy criticized in thought, and idolized in action. A house where any word, emotion, or deed without justification is prohibited.

I am the guinea pig child, as my parents say. I help them try new things, figure out what they can do better, or what they’ve done wrongly to ensure they don’t repeat the same mistakes with my sister. These parents have long been my greatest demons, but even my own memories can twist and bend reality. My condition has prevented me from forming any happy memories up until this point, so I have only half a picture to reflect upon. Perhaps these people are my family, and I will finally be able to see and feel it, now. Or, perhaps, they are the destructive, black behemoths of taint within my soul.

I have always known that this day would come; a spiritual war for survival against an intangible enemy without reason and without mercy. I will need all of the strength and cunning I can muster in the coming days. I have faith, though, that no matter the outcome the eternal flame which resides within me will still manage to burn – even if only a flicker to be rekindle in the future. And, as it has carried me through life to this day, I will continue to ride the raging passion of my spirit. So hopefully, if I am able to find, make, or earn enough luck, I will return with great triumph and few scars.