"I think, therefore I am." -René Descartes

Three blue pills.

The thin wire fence that keeps me from the brink.

Something as simple as three blue pills. Who would think they could rule a life?

My mind is chaos filled fear. I can see doom. I can feel nothing.

My energy is str gone g, and my will is dead fierce.

I can fall go from the grace distance, I cannot slay the demons.

Hope drainsfills frommy soul.

I am not who I want to be.

As long as I have my three blue pills enslave me.

To think that something as simple as three blue pills can determine a life. Imagine only being alive for twelve hours a day. The eye of the mental maelstrom. Each night, transforming into a husk of what you are. Being crushed under the weight of a crashing wave. The world is spinning, and all you can do is sleep… and dream of the next morning… when you can have those

three. blue. pills.

Oh well, a start is a start. And once you start, you’re halfway done.

Man invented machines to free himself of repetitive laborious process. Inventions eased the burden of life on humanity. Our time has expanded tremendously in only a few centuries.

Without worries of survival or repetitive tasks, people could free their creativity! No robot can replace that! Yet, when I examine how my time has been spent, I see the threat of work consuming it.

The world has many competitors, and much stress to distribute by chanting, “Use every minute to try to get ahead!” Creativity needs time to flourish! But accomplishment takes time, as well.

But what life would this be? A life without beauty, without creative flow, without reflection. I do not wish to be rushed away in the river of life, I wish to ride atop its rapids. I can be as far ahead as I want, it will only take a little more time. After all, life does not happen all at once, let the others rush to meet their goals.

Life is not a sprint. Life is not one long race, either. Life is a series of small races which constitute a journey. I, for one, look forward to each race, and don’t worry about how far I am on the journey – only that I am following the right path.

A poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance and Other Essays

Those held most close to us, often hear not what they’re worth.

Today, I faced a question that most recognize only in hypothetical discussions. Today, I was given a choice between an easy path and a right path. While combating my mental illnesses throughout the semester, I failed all 6 of my registered classes, 3 of which I intended to drop. Speaking with MIT’s Student Support Services yielded me the two options:

1. Path One: I submit for Medical Leave with MIT Medical’s support. I will be refunded the entire semester’s tuition. All failing grades are wiped off my record. I do not attend MIT in the Spring, but I continue to receive treatment from MIT Medical, either directly or indirectly. I am expected to cut myself off from the rest of MIT, and to continue treatment and engage in a stable activity to ground myself until Student Support Services deems me ready to continue my education when I have, “Pulled my act together.”
2. Path Two: I file for Late Drop petitions with my professors to drop all of my extra, failing classes and take three failing grades. I must justify why I am dropping the classes late to the Council on Academic Performance (CAP). I continue to attend MIT with an Academic Warning – meaning, if I do not drastically improve my performance, I will be barred from MIT until I am deemed qualified to reapply. I continue, unimpeded, as a continuous student into the Spring.

MIT versus Lusby

My immediate reaction is that Path One is not an option. I quickly choose Path Two. The dean is taken aback not only by my decision, but also the swiftness with which I delivered it. He further explained that the effect this would have on my GPA would be devastating, and that even significant improvement across all sectors would still merit me doubtful glances by employers or fellowships that eyed my transcript.

“Grades are not important to me,” I reply.

He stammers, “B..But what about when employer’s request your transcript?”

“It’d be quite an interesting story to tell,” I state.

I was not going to be noncompliant, however, so I agreed to take some time to think about the decision, and research each option. Further investigation with the dean and the head of the CAP, revealed something interesting: The fact that my mental illnesses rendered me so unstable, before the official drop date, I could have, theoretically, dropped all of the classes in question. Doing so would cease my status as student of MIT, forcing me to reapply, but retaining a single class would allow me to remain as a continuing student.

I am satisfied beyond belief. Everything has gone according to plan. I acknowledged early on that focusing intently on my treatment would result in failing classes. I acknowledged that I would pay a cost in the form of a GPA. I understood the costs of my actions, but I understood the benefits of my actions. I would regain myself in life. I would remove the taint that has held me back for so long, and I would be reborn to live life anew, to fulfill that aching pain which moaned, “There is more to life than this. This is not it.”

Well, I did it, and now I must pay the cost and accept the consequences of my actions. My time was invested in researching the psychology and cognition behind full recovery of individuals like myself. I thought through every ideal, value, and goal I held. I got my act together mentally, and the recent medication has supplied the biological answer. So, I see the easy path, Path One, where I take 8 months off to work and earn money, even move back to Maryland. I could have all of my grades erased. I could have all of my connections to the class of 2012 severed and stalled for 8 months. I could take this time to ensure my treatment is fully realized and that my illnesses will not relapse. There is more stress at home, though, than MIT. A return to Maryland would cause a relapse, not MIT.

Or I can choose Path Two, the difficult path. I can go on with life without a hiccup, without an asterisk. I can maintain my flow with relationships and direction. I can risk relapse, and have only confidence to support my treatment’s realization.

The dean does not understand my decision because it is not logical based on his assumptions: 1) Easier is better. 2) Safer is better. 3) Students want high GPAs. And because he has not given me a chance to explain my decision fully, nor been been informed on the situation entirely.

Part of my decision to choose the right path, the hard path, over an easy one comes from some of the most powerful and motivating words I have ever heard,

John F. Kennedy, a giant trapped in a man's body.

“We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too.”

-John F. Kennedy, thirty fifth president of the United States of America

Such is the nature of true men. I choose the higher path because I will not live like a sorry soul who knows not the passions of great triumph, nor the sadness of great defeat. I will test my new resolution and capacity against this challenge that life throws at me – and I will succeed.

“The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.”

-Thomas Jefferson, third president of the United States of America

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine, Anthony, today. He began by trying to establish a debate around the existence of free will versus fate. He worded his initial argument as follows.

1. Stance One: Free will does not exist. Everything in the world is causal; every action is a result of chemical reactions in the body; he defines fate by this.
2. Stance Two: Free will exists. Namely, everything occurs from randomness. There is no causation — this stance is the antithesis of Stance One.

I challenged the very nature of this argument. I learned from Atlas Shrugged that checking or challenging premises and assumption is key to solid foundations and logic. I disagreed with the absolute nature of the argument, the limited scope, and the rigidity of black and white views forced onto a highly fluid topic. My belief is that both free-will and causation exist to allow the universe to function, so I attempted to pull the argument further out to a universe view at least. We ventured quite deeply into a multiverse discussion.

After we both defined our views of fate and free-will, the discussion deepened based on my initial statements:

1. First, essentially all of the universe functions in a cause-and-effect manner. Since the dawn of the universe, the laws inherent to our dimensions governed body interactions. Everything physical that we see today is a result of some interaction between particles which has occurred before, and follows as a logical conclusion. Our emotions are caused, biologically, by the different balances of hormones, neurotransmitters, and chemicals within our bodies. Our thoughts, actions, and personalities are all heavily influenced, shaped, and even entirely created by the cumulation of all of our life experiences. Everything is an effect of some cause, some stimulus from our environment. Each stimulus is, in turn, also an effect of some previous cause, and so on and so forth until the origin of the universe.
2. Second, the reason why my first statement says, “essentially all,” is because there are a few highly significant exceptions to this rule that are integral to humanity’s existence as it is now. The origin of the universe is said to begin with the Big Bang. Well, I further conjecture that the Big Bang was created due to one or more reactions between Virtual Particles due to Vacuum Fluctuations (also referred to as Vacuum Energies). Vacuum Fluctuations basically describe the phenomenon of energy, and even matter, spontaneously, randomly occurring in the presence of absolute nothingness. There seems to be no cause whatsoever to enact this initial effect.
   

   Big Bang, Conceptualization

   Additionally, we have yet to discover the biological base of consciousness. I believe the origins of this may have a very abstract origin, if any at all. I consider the seat of consciousness to be similar in inexplicable origins to Vacuum Fluctuations at this moment. This realm of intangible thought is held aloft from the law-bound tangible universe – in our minds, anything we can conceive of is possible, so is anything we have not conceived. I hold these causeless phenomena to be at the foundation of what I refer to as free will. Human choice is influenced, if not determined by outside forces, but the fact choice exists at all is an indication of free will, in my opinion.

The rest of our discussion centered around exploring the possible existence of two separate universes interacting with each other – the tangible and the intangible. Anthony speculates that one can view these interactions from two different perspectives, one as viewing the tangible world affecting the intangible (your environment and experiences affecting your thoughts and decisions) and the other as the intangible affecting the tangible words (your thoughts and ideas made into actions and objects). Furthermore, he believes these two perspectives formulate what may be a new interpretation of free will and fate for him – fate being oriented around the intangible affecting the tangible, and fate representing the opposing view point.

I personally believe the universe to function due to regular feedback between the two, originating with the intangible nothingness affecting the tangible universe. But again, who knows? The nothingness of the tangible world may have affected the intangible to cause its Vacuum Fluctuations in the first place. At this speculation, Anthony began to question whether we can truly know anything? I staunched this train of thought, as my faith is firm and foundational in this respect,

“I completely believe that human beings can know anything and everything. Regardless of our current or past comprehension, human beings will always find a way to acquire knowledge of our universe and others, should they exist. In this, I believe without logic, reason, or evidence. This stance is my faith. This ideal is my God.”

“Let the future tell the truth and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I really worked, is mine.”
-Nikola Tesla, Electrical and Mechanical Engineer and the inventor of modern day electricity

I was looking out at the Boston skyline, amongst the stone lion maws, and surrounded by the ornate columns and buttresses of MIT’s dome. I thought to myself, “This is all mine.”

The most beautiful aspect of this thought, is that everyone can share it. Everything you see before you… every building, every road, every car, every lamp post, every bridge… from the idea, to the designs, to the physical object itself … they were all created by people who existed before you did. They were all created by people who were experienced than you are. They were all created with the knowledge that the creator would reap the least benefits from his own creation.

He creates for all those that will come after him. These dorms were made for students to live in comfortably, fully. These institute halls were constructed almost a hundred years ago so that you could have the privilege to learn from the brightest minds in the world about some of the most esoteric and magical information that mankind has gathered and organized from the universe.

It is all for you. Anyone can become immortal by leaving their legacy to the next generation. A man who teaches a child is made immortal by that child’s memory. A man who invents a wheel is made immortal by the very existence of the wheel. Everything is made for you because you represent the entirety of our species’s struggle to survive for thousands of years – because you represent the culmination all of the knowledge and application of science, art, and industry – because you are the one whom the world must be passed down to, completely – because everyone trusts you to do the best you can with that responsibility.

Boston Skyline

I am constantly surprised by how short-sighted people can be when they get carried away in the pedantic details of life. In actuality, according to Carl Jung, a typical person does not gain the perspective of generativity – thinking beyond one’s current life and generation to the next generation of children – until middle-age, around 30 years old.

I believe this is an injustice to mankind. We have come to learn so much about psychology and the insurmountable potential of the young that we cannot afford to leave them to wander aimlessly and eventually stumble upon foresight. We should attempt to be more active in encouraging the emotional and mental blossoming of thought and action toward long distance goals and objectives. An expansion of thinking on this part tremendously boosts critical thinking skills, and paves a golden pathway to divergent thinking – a critical aspect of innovation.

So the next time you feel a bit rushed by the speed of every day life, you might want to try taking a breather to recognize that the world as it is today is yours for the taking, and you can grab your slice when you see fit. And that effects of true importance and magnitude lay on a timeline far longer and far deeper than the relative moments that you may be stressing about in the presence. Suddenly, you may find that what was worrying you before, doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore. :)

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”
- Seneca, Roman Philosopher

(The quote above was said by one of the general managers present at the meeting, today.)

Along with our high school interns, I helped present, to a room full of potential sponsors, a smidgen of what we have been created while at The Robert Robinson Taylor Network (RRTN) since the end of summer. The high school interns, Loic and Derek (again, fake names have been used to conceal identities), did a phenomenal job and received awe and praise from the room of executives.

Robert Robinson Taylor

We cut it closer than most of us would have wanted, though, there was much progress to be made to make a professional presentation, and the draft that the interns had developed on Tuesday earlier last week, had promise, but foreshadowed a long week. I, myself, had been very shaky and unfaithful in my follow through and presence at RRTN due to a worsening medical condition, of which treatment has recently begun and proven quite successful.

I needed to complete a working, presentable technology. Utilizing what time I had left, I scrambled to polish existing features and discovered that I accomplished a tremendous amount of work over the weekend. My results were met with responses (even from myself) that read, “Imagine where we would be if he had done this consistently!”

I am proud of the happenings of the day, and can really only say, “I cannot faith to fully apply myself, henceforth.”

“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

My friend, Anton (a fake name has been used to conceal his identity), has inspired me to follow-through with my own blog. I look forward to placing my thoughts as openly as he, and perhaps my entries will become a response to his, since he tends to pose many intriguing questions. I look forward to the to-and-fro conversations to be had!

I think. I think, a lot. I have been told that I think far too much… other times, I have been told that I don’t seem to think at all. Things like this often give me a lot to think about. Recently, I have begun to realize that the way I think, the way I act, the goals I set, and the fundamentals I hold true to my core are significantly different than others’. Many of my assumptions of other people have been challenged, giving me more insight into the way the world works; it has, simultaneously, given me confidence and sapped some of my hope. I find that I can envision and conceive of far more than most, that I believe in things that are radical, disturbing, or perplexing, and that apparently not everyone was doing this (as I had previously thought).

I thoroughly enjoy the way I think, though; pleasantly, and surprisingly, I have found that others seem to appreciate the thought-paths I lead them down. I’ve come to call my deviant way of thinking, “LunaThink”. And, so, I welcome you to my mind, and encourage you to share your thoughts so that our minds may grow together.